I taught the cat to do my taxes, you can too! / Just send for my handy book, it’s tried and true!

Enclose a post-paid envelope / I’ll throw in pictures of the Pope

I taught the cat to do my taxes, you can too!

Learned gastroenterology on Christmas break / And fixed my next-door neighbor’s chronic bellyache

These arcane gifts can all be yours / Join other brave entrepreneurs

Just call the number on your screen, it’s yours to take!

Well, these are complicated rhymes for complicated times / But nothing in this life is ever free

I’ve got the gifts of the divine / For nineteen-ninety-nine / And mine come with a cash-back guarantee

I mastered astrophysics and I’ll show you how / The secrets of the universe I will endow

Just sign up for my online course / A one-man marvel tour de force

My webinar is starting soon so join me now!

Well, these are complicated rhymes for complicated times / But nothing in this life is ever free

Unlock the psychic force inside / Only I’m board-certified / And mine comes with a lifetime warranty

They said teaching a baby math could not be done / But calculus for tots is real, just ask my son

So send a check, do not delay / You’re underdressed for Judgment Day

Without my priceless wisdom fit for everyone

Well, these are complicated rhymes for complicated times / But nothing in this life is really free

I’ve got the gifts of the divine / For nineteen-ninety-nine / And mine come with my signed biography

© 2023 Larry O’Neal

Flounce skirt and claw heel boots / Inspired by prostitutes / Contour, cut crease technique / Starvation and heroin chic

Smoky eye and the gangster squint / Bridal gown in a cheetah print / Style powered by a Tesla coil, / Hot lava and coconut oil

Welcoming committee lined up in bonnets / All the boys want to read her sonnets

A powder keg in a petticoat / Neck tats with a misspelled quote / Smoker’s rattle and a snarl so fierce / Let no square inch of skin go unpierced

Designer duds, designer drugs / Jeggings tucked in to thigh-high Uggs / Last month’s rent on full display / Strutting her stuff down the motorway

Carpet-bomb the country with lyric leaflets / All the boys want to tell her secrets

All the boys got their poems revised / Their dialogue rehearsed and memorized / A line around the block that leads to her

Like cultured nerds to literature / Collections of verse with a bow upon it / ‘Cause all the boys want to / All the boys want to / All the boys want to read her sonnets

Jungle junkie in a shoe boutique / Laughing from here to Fashion Week

A whirling dervish in a cocaine trance / The catwalk never stood a chance

Feed the starving children with her untouched salads / All the boys want to sing her ballads

All the boys got remarks prepared / Academic majors all been declared / Practiced for this moment on the tennis courts

Existential crisis in their jockey shorts / Bouquet of roses with a love note on it / ‘Cause all the boys want to / All the boys want to / All the boys want to read her sonnets

All the boys got their poems revised / Their dialogue rehearsed and memorized / A line around the block that leads to her

Like cultured nerds to literature / Collections of verse with a bow upon it / ‘Cause all the boys want to / All the boys want to /  All the boys want to read her sonnets

© 2023 Larry O’Neal

Reuniting in 2021, the foursome now stages an impressive reunion gig annually.